Twitter Marriage Humor

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
 


 

Me: The legend of this day shall reverberate through the ages
Wife: Seriously? You did one load of laundry
Me: Behold my majesty
 


 

Wife: Darn. Prince Harry is off the market.
Me: Why does it matter? You weren't on the market.
Wife: *refuses to make eye contact*

 

 

My wife is going to qualify for free shipping no matter how much it costs.


 

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too


 

Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.


 

Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…


 

For the first time in 16 years, I remembered where we keep the tape without having to ask my wife, so our marriage is going well right now.


 

the chicken in my wife's spicy chicken burger was bigger than the bun while mine was smaller and I know ill bring it up in a future argument


 

My wife and I are tackling a home improvement project together.
Just thought I'd give you a heads up.
This is my last post as a married man.


 

*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*


 

I don't know which is worse
1) My wife whistled for me to come downstairs
2) I did it


 

Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*


 

My husband almost threw away a package of cookies because they were crumbled so now we have to go marriage counseling. I just hope it’s not too late.

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.


 

H: why is the heat turned up so high in here?
Me: so I can sleep with a fan on.


 

I’m gonna need my husband to hurry up and finish his story so I can tell the same story but, like, a lot better.


 

95% of any Home Depot trip is spent trying to find my husband again.


 

Husband: are you cooking something?
Me: of course not
Husband: the oven timer just went off
Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer


 

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.


 

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.


 

Judge: And the grounds for divorce?
Lawyer: Irreconcil—
Wife: HE BINGE WATCHED STRANGER THINGS WITHOUT ME
Judge: Divorce granted.


 

Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?


 

My husband bought off-brand toilet paper, and it's just sad I never knew I was living with a psycho until now.

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.


 

My wife brought home low sodium bacon and now I understand what it means when someone says they love you but they aren't IN LOVE with you


 

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.


 

Marriage is equal parts "I would die without you" and "For the love of God, do you have to sneeze like that?"


 

Grocery store is giving out wine and beer samples so the wife and I rented a movie on our iPad and are chilling for the night in aisle 18.


 

Wife: *looks intently at my face*
Me: Oh, no. Please don’t.
Wife: *starts plucking my eyebrows*


 

I'm secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.
Current count:23


 

wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
me: Yep
wife: What temperature?
me: 534
wife: That's the clock
me
wife
me: 535


 

Don't marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.

Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.
Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.
Me: We’re skipping both, right?
Wife: Obviously.


 

My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.


 

Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.


 

[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?


 

Hubs, "Are you going to drink that entire bottle of wine?"
Me, "You didn't marry no quitter."
Hubs, nodding, "My Queen."


 

I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.


 

wife: I told you not to wear it in the shower
me [holding a soggy Burger King crown] I don't need a lecture right now


 

*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I'm just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert


 

Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.
Me: So it's a can't opener?
Wife: I can't believe I married you.

My husband just cancelled the plans we’d made for tonight without talking to me first and I’ve honestly never been more turned on in my life.

Just regaled my wife with a story about a grocery coupon that should have worked but didn’t but then the guy got it to work after all.
Don’t tell me the spark is gone.

Me: Hey honey, can you get me a cup of coffee?
Wife: You have legs. Get it yourself.
Me: Our love story should be made into a movie.

My wife cleaned the house all day and now we have to go live in a hotel.

[cleaning out our bedroom]
Me: Half of this stuff is junk we don't need.
Wife: The other half is mine.

What makes marriage so different from being single is that when you need emotional support, you have someone right there to tell you to stop talking during their favorite show.

Always be tolerant of your wife’s flaws because if she didn’t have them, maybe she could have gotten a better husband.

Being a husband is understanding that you can and will get into trouble for something you said in your wife’s dream

*Sees husband and wife neighbor arguing in their driveway*
Husband: “We shouldn’t be watching them like this.”
Me: “You’re right.” [Goes in house and returns with popcorn and lawn chair.]

Wife: *hoarsely* I'm losing my voice.
Me: I guess you can't yell at me anymore.
Wife:
She's scarier when she's quiet.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

 

 

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

 

 

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

 

 

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

 

 

When your husband volunteers to help put away groceries, it's so he can hide the brownies and doesn't have to share.

 

 

When I’m not feeling well my husband will check on me to see if I’m still making dinner.

 

 

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

 

 

There's a piece of junk mail lying in the middle of the floor in my kitchen. I'm doing an experiment to see how long it will take either my husband or 2 teenage sons to pick it up and throw it away.
We are on day 3
Currently taking bets.

 

 

Wife: I am not talking to you
Me: ok
Wife: don’t you want to know the reason?
Me: No,I respect and trust your decision

 

 

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma'am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

 

 

It’s really cold today and now I need to figure out how to make this my husband’s fault.

 

 

ME: I know you're busy so I did the dishes today
HER: Wow, who are you and what have you done with my husband
ME: Ha ha, you caught me... *peeling off face* I am a cyborg from a dying galaxy and–

 

 

Husband: You can’t go out in those leggings.
Me: *sigh* For the last time LEGGINGS ARE PANTS and I’m not letting society dictate what’s acceptable for me to wear to the mall!
Husband: Okay, but there’s a hole in your butt.

 

 

Pretty sure my wife only married me to break down Amazon Prime boxes.

 

 

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it's not working

 

 

Oh to have the confidence of my husband who started a 2hr movie at 10:20pm

 

 

My husband proposed two days after Valentine's day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

 

 

[wife gets in bed]
her: can you grab my chapstick?
me: [grabbing the two on her dresser] which one
her: ooo not those grab the one in my purse
me: [rummaging] none in here
her: k grab either the bathroom one or the kitchen one
me: what...what the fuck is happening right now

 

 

Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

 

 

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband's truck.

 

 

My wife just used two paper plates to warm up leftovers in the microwave like we're some kind of millionaires.

 

 

My husband likes to leave the foil seal still attached to the Pringle’s so that I don’t know they’ve been opened until they’re almost gone.

 

 

Instead of yelling my husband's name when I need him I'm just gonna scream OH MY GOD YOU CAN ALMOST SEE HER NIPPLE!

 

 

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See - Dieting”

 

 

WHY WON'T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

 

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*
Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

 

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

 

 

Me: [boiling water]
Wife: No, not like THAT!

 

 

Wife: IT’S OVER! GET OUT!
Me: Ok, good luck killing spiders
Wife: Wait

Talked with another dad about how much I hate shopping with my wife at Old Navy for 10 minutes before I realized that he was a mannequin.

 

[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

 

 

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

 

My wife has this app on her phone that notifies her the second I’ve finished checking out at the grocery store...
... so she can text and ask me to pick up one more thing...
... apparently.

 

 

If you’re overly competitive about being more tired than someone else, marriage might be for you.

 

Finally ready to take my marriage to the next level and start experimenting with the pressure settings on the Instant Pot.

 

Me: [puts entire cupcake in mouth]
Wife: Did you just put an entire cupcake in your mouth?
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You can’t even say “no” can you?
Me: [slowly shakes head no]

 

 

I used to think I was the most optimistic person in our house, until I watched my husband load the dishwasher with cheese and egg encrusted dishes without rinsing, because “we paid good money for this dishwasher and I’m not going to do it’s job for it.”

 

 

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I've started with myself.

 

 

Marriage is like the cereal aisle. There’s tasty new exciting choices every time you go down it, but you say “I do” to the same box you’ve gotten for the last 15 years.

 

My husband is watching a YouTube video to figure out how to fix my car so I guess I’m dying today.

 

Vacuuming the cracker crumbs off myself before he gets home from work is how I keep my marriage hot.

 

I’m going out on the town with my wife tonight so we can complain about how tired we are someplace else.

 

Me: I got you a little something for the bedroom. Close your eyes.
Husband: Oh yeah!
Me:*hands over nasal strips*

 

[watching a movie]
guy *rips girls shirt*
wife: That's so hot
[later]
me *rips her shirt*
wife:
me:
wife: Did you just rip my fucking shirt?

So just do it.. contact Don Beach, text or call my "shell" phone 401-442-8065

Newport, Rhode Island

Captain's Log, Stardate 47634.44. What are you waiting for.. call me about your wedding plans already!

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